So I a made the commitment, I'm going to therapy. It wasn't that I knew I didn't need help, it was a matter of a good time, but really, is there ever a "good time"? I guess when you feel like you can't breathe and your emotions are all over the place it's a good time.
So I sit here at my computer writing about this because I feel good when I write. I love to write and always have loved to write. I hope that by somehow sharing what I am going through it helps heal me and settles down some of the chaos floating around in my head. :)
I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned that what I was going through is like an aftershock of a large earthquake. Here we had this tremendous, life-altering event nearly 8 months ago and now that the main earthquake or crisis has past the aftershocks of that event are now coming and I think I am safe to say there will be more to come.
The current aftershock I am experiencing feels like I'm hyperventilating, can't breathe, can't predict or imagine the world in all it's rosy colors, just the unknown in Jaimee's situation grips me with fear. In some ways this aftershock hurts more than the event itself because I was so numb for so long. Everything was such a blur and so clear at the same time. All I knew was that I had to keep my head up, I had to keep going, I had to keep it all together. Now that the numbness is wearing off, the pain seems to be surfacing or resurfacing; the unraveling is happening. All may appear rosy but there are those moments. You know those moments when you just simply cannot control the heartache, the fear, the tears, the panic and so much more. And yet, Jaimee is the best part of this entire experience. She is not deterred, but determined. She in not doubtful, but tenacious. She is a shinning light to everyone around her. This experience however, is mine. It is unique to me as Jaimee's recovery is unique to her. These aftershocks are what I have to work out and somehow find the resolve to be as my sweet daughter naturally is, steadfast, joyful and determined to recover.
Today and I am thankful for this experience. Today I see it as an opportunity to be introspective, to dig a little deeper, to define my own character. I look forward to the things I will be learning and hope to continue sharing my personal insights.
Mardee
So I sit here at my computer writing about this because I feel good when I write. I love to write and always have loved to write. I hope that by somehow sharing what I am going through it helps heal me and settles down some of the chaos floating around in my head. :)
I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned that what I was going through is like an aftershock of a large earthquake. Here we had this tremendous, life-altering event nearly 8 months ago and now that the main earthquake or crisis has past the aftershocks of that event are now coming and I think I am safe to say there will be more to come.
The current aftershock I am experiencing feels like I'm hyperventilating, can't breathe, can't predict or imagine the world in all it's rosy colors, just the unknown in Jaimee's situation grips me with fear. In some ways this aftershock hurts more than the event itself because I was so numb for so long. Everything was such a blur and so clear at the same time. All I knew was that I had to keep my head up, I had to keep going, I had to keep it all together. Now that the numbness is wearing off, the pain seems to be surfacing or resurfacing; the unraveling is happening. All may appear rosy but there are those moments. You know those moments when you just simply cannot control the heartache, the fear, the tears, the panic and so much more. And yet, Jaimee is the best part of this entire experience. She is not deterred, but determined. She in not doubtful, but tenacious. She is a shinning light to everyone around her. This experience however, is mine. It is unique to me as Jaimee's recovery is unique to her. These aftershocks are what I have to work out and somehow find the resolve to be as my sweet daughter naturally is, steadfast, joyful and determined to recover.
Today and I am thankful for this experience. Today I see it as an opportunity to be introspective, to dig a little deeper, to define my own character. I look forward to the things I will be learning and hope to continue sharing my personal insights.
Mardee
4 comments:
I know exactly how you are feeling, but maybe on a smaller scale. There are times even now when I think of Nathan's accident, that the tears come so easily and the feelings are still so real and vivid. Glad you are getting help to sort it all out. Just keep swimming :)
Mardee you are awesome! Thank you for sharing such deep and scary feelings. We've had such heartache for you guys and for Heather. Just the other day I was so sad again. We're not exactly experiencing things on the front lines, but definitely feel the pain of not knowing what to do on top of everything else.
I talked with Jeff the other day and I just want you to know, again, how much we love you! I am so grateful for family - and brave family. LOVE YOU!!!! Tee
You are a wise woman Mardee and a good writer I might add! I still pray for your family, knowing that there are so many changes to be adjusted to, which are all made more complicated by the emotional traumas involved. You are smart to seek some help to steady yourself.
Helping yourself, will help everyone else too, how cool is that!
Jaimee's recent explosion of learning is a like a light at the end of a scary dark tunnel, where you could not see where to step. That light will grow brighter and your pathway will become clear, I feel it! It won't be long before your problems will be you wish you could rope her in a bit. xoxOOOO
All I can say is that your strength and determination to not only help your daughter through this crisis, but to spend the time to fight for J.D. as will is just amazing. Your strength has been an example to our family and we are amazed. Thank you for sharing your feelings!
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