Attitude

Daddy/Daughter Dance 2/6/2010

Happy New Year everyone! A little late seeing that it's already the first week of February but Happy New Year nonetheless. And Happy Valentine's Day to all this weekend! xxoo

A new year is always exciting. I admit I am one of those who likes to make resolutions, set a good 20 goals for myself, plan the first 3-6 months out, get my fresh new calendar ready with pen in hand. Sadly my new shinny calendar and my re-run resolutions don't always pan out the way I hoped. The success that I'm always looking for requires a little thing called a Positive Attitude. Well, you'd think after 39 years of life I wouldn't need to remind my self of that but that's just what I did after having a reality check with an oh-so-wonderful friend who will remain unknown. Our conversation wasn't all I needed; I decided I needed to have a 2 year old tantrum. If you could have only seen inside my head you would have witnessed all the kicking, screaming, and crying. Well as soon as I got all of THAT out of my system, I snapped out of it and had my attitude adjustment! Ahhhhhhh, it was nice; an excellent and necessary change for me. So now I am happy to say that I have been exercising 6/7 days per week for 5+ weeks, have given up sweets and have successfully shed 10 of the many pounds I put on last year. Still shed tears on occasion but no more panic attacks! 2009 is OVER and 2010 is DEFINITELY going to be my year!

How did I do it you might ask? Well, my attitude change occurred because I told myself that, "if my daughter can learn to walk and talk, jump and run again then I sure as heck can exercise 6 days a week!" So, once again Jaimee is my inspiration and my perspiration! Lately she is A LOT of perspiration! The amazing things she is doing now blows our minds. The better she gets gives me glimpses of all the energy she use to have. Lately she goes, goes, goes and isn't waiting for anyone. In fact, if you come to visit the house she will very excitedly grab your finger, pull you as hard and fast as she can down to her room to show off her kitchen toys and make you play with her. She has just started venturing off on her own out to the backyard always within view though but she is wanting to explore her world again. I watch her finding such joy in discovering everything all over again. A couple of days ago she went all the way to the back of the backyard (a long way if you've seen our yard), got off balance and fell a couple of times, brushed herself off and squealed with delight as she realized she was having a fun walk outside all on her own just enjoying life and the outdoors.

Her main growth over the last 1-2 months has been language and fine motor skills. She can say almost anything. She is speaking in conversational language. She can say almost anyone's name, she can repeat most anything you ask her to say and she can say things spontaneously that you didn't even know she could say which is a great indicator of how much her memory has come back and how rapidly those neurons are reconnecting. In fact, last week we were watching the movie Eragon which we haven't seen since before her injury and when we saw the shinny blue object I asked her to tell me what it was; she easily but slowly said, "drag-on egg". She knows what she is saying and what the subject matter is. She speaks a lot in syllables still but most words that were difficult for her last month are now pretty smooth she just speaks slowly and you have to be patient as she gets each word and syllable out. She even has tried saying Hippopotamus a couple of times! Yesterday she had an appointment at school for an assisted technology evaluation. She had been waiting 4 weeks for this appointment which she had with her speech therapist who almost cancelled the appointment because Jaimee is doing so well. Well during the appointment she got to sit in a chair that vibrates; she looked at her therapist and said while smiling pointing down at the chair "Try". Everyone was amazed at her level of understanding and new abilities to speak in such a short time. The panel gave no recommendations as she is doing just fine on her own!

As for the fine motor growth she has recently been using an adaptive spoon (bent at an angle to have more accurate hand/mouth movement) which has helped her to eat more independently. So much so that now that her eye/hand coordination is so much better she can eat some things with a regular spoon all on her own. She can try cutting things like a banana and she is getting better and better using a fork. She can pick up the tinniest objects like a sequin or use all her fingers picking up a card in a game. She is very much like she always was; gets upset if you help her with something or do it for her before she has the chance to try. You can add to the personality of a child but you can't take away the one they were born with!

JD, Ben and Nathan are all doing well in school. JD has the most going on now that he is a Youth. He turned 12 on November 25, received the Priesthood the following weekend, started passing the sacrament the first Sunday in December, has gone to the temple, is progressing nicely in scouts getting ready to get his second and first class ranks as a Boy Scout, goes camping and to firesides frequently and all and all is very well adjusted and takes his responsibilities as a young man seriously.

Ben is getting ready to receive his Bear Badge as a Cub Scout. He just had Blue and Gold dinner and last month out of 5 packs won the Pinewood Derby! It was very exciting and if I could figure out how to get more pictures on here to show you I would add one from that fun event-soon I hope.

Nathan has been learning so much and is having a great time learning to write and read a little. He loves playing with legos and Bionicles. He was sick the other day and his favorite movie is Cheaper by the Dozen. He watches it over and over again. It's hysterical! What 6 year old loves Cheaper by the Dozen that much! He also informed me a month ago that he wanted me to have another baby! LOL! Not gonna happen-that door is closed. :)

Jeff has passed his midlife crisis of having a beard since he, "couldn't afford a Porshe and a girlfriend would get me in trouble". His daughter asked him to shave it so he did for the Daddy/Daughter Dance. Jaimee was so excited about the whole thing it was hilarious. All week leading up to the dance we would mention what was coming up on Saturday and she would say, "dance party". She kept saying "Yay" every time we mentioned something about it and if you could hear her say "yay" it is the cutest thing you've ever heard. If you can believe it, Jeff was more excited than even she was; before we ever had a daughter he wanted a daughter to take to the Daddy/Daughter Dance. A dream fulfilled is a beautiful thing! They both had a wonderful time and I'll post all the pics on FB.

Jaimee does the LIMBO

Well, as you can see, "Life is Good", the slogan on my key-chain I bought while in the hospital with Jaimee, the unintended first step to speaking into existence a better attitude no matter what our circumstance. We have been blessed indeed. For those who want to pray with us: we continue to pray for Jaimee's hips to get more motion and nerve connection in them as that will help her in her walking the most right now. Lots of love and hugs to all!

Mardee

Aftershock

So I a made the commitment, I'm going to therapy. It wasn't that I knew I didn't need help, it was a matter of a good time, but really, is there ever a "good time"? I guess when you feel like you can't breathe and your emotions are all over the place it's a good time.

So I sit here at my computer writing about this because I feel good when I write. I love to write and always have loved to write. I hope that by somehow sharing what I am going through it helps heal me and settles down some of the chaos floating around in my head. :)

I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned that what I was going through is like an aftershock of a large earthquake. Here we had this tremendous, life-altering event nearly 8 months ago and now that the main earthquake or crisis has past the aftershocks of that event are now coming and I think I am safe to say there will be more to come.

The current aftershock I am experiencing feels like I'm hyperventilating, can't breathe, can't predict or imagine the world in all it's rosy colors, just the unknown in Jaimee's situation grips me with fear. In some ways this aftershock hurts more than the event itself because I was so numb for so long. Everything was such a blur and so clear at the same time. All I knew was that I had to keep my head up, I had to keep going, I had to keep it all together. Now that the numbness is wearing off, the pain seems to be surfacing or resurfacing; the unraveling is happening. All may appear rosy but there are those moments. You know those moments when you just simply cannot control the heartache, the fear, the tears, the panic and so much more. And yet, Jaimee is the best part of this entire experience. She is not deterred, but determined. She in not doubtful, but tenacious. She is a shinning light to everyone around her. This experience however, is mine. It is unique to me as Jaimee's recovery is unique to her. These aftershocks are what I have to work out and somehow find the resolve to be as my sweet daughter naturally is, steadfast, joyful and determined to recover.

Today and I am thankful for this experience. Today I see it as an opportunity to be introspective, to dig a little deeper, to define my own character. I look forward to the things I will be learning and hope to continue sharing my personal insights.

Mardee

Exciting news...

The last couple of weeks have been so EXCITING! Jaimee has made so much improvement it blows us away. Since yesterday she has been talking, actually repeating what she hears others say in a conversation not just the words we try to get her to say. It's so unbelievable, I wish I could just harness the enthusiasm we feel over it all-daily improvement-it's incredible! This seemed to happen the first time she was sick in September, I was so worried she would be missing too much therapy but when she isn't using her large motor skills she seems to have a huge vocabulary increase. Whatever way it comes we are so grateful and blessed to watch this happen. Here are some of her new "tricks" as we call it: Jaimee can walk over 100 feet unassisted. She can say Momma, Dadda, Mom, Dad, pee-pee, Baba, 1-10 numbers but four is her favorite as she shows us all the time and also asks us to ask her how old she is where she very enthusiastically says "Four" and holds up her 4 little fingers with her thumb back (the thumb she use to very cutely hold back with her other hand because she couldn't get her thumb to work the way she wanted it to). She can say baby, night-night, phone, no, na, yeah, ya, She can say Nay for Nathan and Beh for Ben and J.D. she says pretty well too. The greatest one is she can say her NAME! She can complete sentences. She can tell you how old she will be on her next birthday (no one said the answer she did it on her own). It's so great to hear her talking, our baby is actually talking and walking after being awake for 7 months! Two Sundays ago we arrived late to church and Jeff, Jaimee and I sat on the couch in the foyer. She stood up on her own and walked down the hallway, we just sat there and watched. We didn't spot her, we didn't coddle her, we just looked at eachother and cried. Her brothers on the other hand were nervous mother hens trying to protect her while we just encouraged them to let her be. She can turn around, walk backwards, she has an infectious laugh, especially when she is trying to be contradictory. Yes, the old Jaimee is still there, always teasing, contradictory, a little she-devil, yep, she's all in there all right! She has been unusually sick a lot since Sept. She has been sick again all week and now Nathan is too! We just can't seem to shake it. Ben and J.D. seem to be hanging in there despite a little sniffle cold for J.D. this past week. Boy News- Ben and Nathan are both doing well at Knolls Elementary. We like their teachers and see steady progress in both of them and they seem to be happy and thriving in their new setting. The latest news is that J.D. finished the testing with the district and qualified for a special ed class with other kids who struggle with learning disabilities and he is doing just great! Not sure what the educational impact for him will be this year but the "Coolest" kid at his school seemed to be quite threatened by J.D.'s good looks and wanted him to know on his first day that he was unquestionably the coolest kid and he "got all the girls" at Santa Susana Elementary! (his friends on the otherhand protested those statements). Ahh, the joys of pre-pubescence! Anyone who knows J.D. knows he couldn't care less about the girls (that he'll admit to anyway). Although his brother Ben gave him some pretty keen advice, he told J.D. to tell that kid that, "He can keep the girls, and you'll keep the Cool!" LOL!

All in all, things seem to be settling a bit, still not unpacked and still always lots to do but we our managing like the rest. We are blessed to have our long time babysitter Janelle with us still watching Jaimee 2-3 days a week to give me a break. We all love her visits. And things seem to finally be turning around at work for Jeff. He's getting new customers and more orders from the regular ones so we are encouraged for a better year in 2010. I'm sure I am missing so many details but hopefully I'll have more to share soon. We most certainly know that the Lord loves us. He has shown it time and time again this year in the many ways he has blessed us. Enjoy the holidays, there truly is so much to be thankful for! We can't tell you how thrilled we are to have our Jaimee. To have been so close to losing her was and is so devasting but to see her get dressed up as a cow girl for Halloween and practically run up on stage for the children's costume parade, I had to hold back the floodgates of tears that she was even THERE, able to stand up, walk up those stairs and walk around the stage only holding on to one finger of mine-it was a living miracle! To see her speaking now, teasing, making us laugh, Jeff and I, our boys, we just can't help but smile and be thankful to have her in our family. I remember leaning over her body giving her CPR and thinking "we can't lose her, her brothers can't lose their sister", she literally lights up our life! The gratitude we reflect on at this time of year, the thankfulness that we feel to still be allowed to have her with us, it just doesn't quite cut it. Happy Thanksgiving, Mardee, Jeff and the kids

Mocha Jessop 12-15-95 to 9-22-09 R.I.P.

Six months ago today, what I fondly refer to as Black Tuesday, was the most difficult day of my life and I'll speak for Jeff as well that he too feels the same. Today was an equally difficult day in that we lost our wonderful dog Mocha. After nearly 14 years together we are deeply saddened by the loss. She was the greatest dog, a fierce protector, a loving pet, a loyal family member-one of our greatest joys. She howled and moaned the day we brought Jaimee home from the hospital, mourning all that had happened and showing us how much she had missed her buddy Jaimee. She faithfully laid under Jaimee's feet each day as she recovered.

When Mocha was a young pup she use to climb the fences like a cat-an odd sight for such a large dog. For a time when we lived in Simi she would prowl the Knolls ever night with her brother Max coming home exhausted in the wee hours of the morning-that party girl! She would sense danger and protect "her babies" (the kids). She was everybody's friend and proved it by every unwanted lick and clinging hair she left behind. She would out-smart the dog catcher, she would anxiously wait at the door for Jeff's arrival each day from work, she would crawl into bed with me and Jeff and sit on our laps like she was a 15 lb. dog instead of a 45 lb dog. She loved all adults and all children that passed her way whether they wanted her to or not. :)

As in all forms of life there is a day when death awaits for no one-today was that day. Mocha had shown us it was coming. She had lost her sight and taste in the last 2 weeks as well as she had distanced herself from the family by only wanting to be outdoors and sleeping most of the days and nights away. We were happy though to see her enjoying the big backyard at our new house for the last 5 weeks.

I don't know how much pain she was in when I found her having a seizure in the backyard today, but Jeff was good to ask the Vet to give her something to ease her comfort while we made the sad drive to the county shelter to have her put down. She never had to be put down though, she quietly and peacefully died at the shelter in Jeff's arms in the parking lot. Even in death she truly was a beautiful, kind old dog that loved life and loved us.

We'll miss you my dear, sweet Mocha

Lessons from Matthew

I've always been a person who didn't like to ask for help-for myself that is. It's a difficult thing to be vulnerable to others, to accept generosity in all its forms.  I have been thinking about this for months.  Jeff and I have talked about how much in awe we are of the kindness of so many. You would expect your family and friends to shoulder a burden or two on occasion but strangers from all over is quite another thing.  Its perplexing and yet humbling the sheer beauty in humanity.  

A couple of years ago we turned off the TV in our house and turned on conversation and reading.  The nice thing about doing that was 1. To cut the TV addiction of my family, 2. To tune out the garbage on TV and 3. To read online or watch video highlights of the most important news we wanted to know.  We no longer wanted to be the receptacle of so much filth pouring into our home, our minds and our attitudes.  After all, we do have a choice, right?  Much of what we saw was horrible, negative, and sometimes disgusting "news".  Well, what I think is news worthy are all the hundreds of people who have shown such amazing acts of kindness to our family.  It's not just kindness or goodness it's godliness- the light of Christ that has been blanketed over our family.  Matthew 25:35-36, 40 "For I was an hungered, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in.  Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison: and ye came unto me. Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."  We were hungry and thirsty, without clean clothes or basic needs all of which was brought to us at will at the hospitals we stayed.  We were sick with grief and in a prison so to speak of the most immense pain and anxiety over what life would hold for our daughter, our family, not to mention whether or not she would even survive the first week.  Church family came to mow our lawn and clean our house.  Friends took care of our pets and wrote us letters.  They and those we didn't know sent cards and gifts, food and money.  Friends and strangers alike have come together to organize one fundraiser after another. Donations, whether of clothes for the garage sale or monetary came from all over.  The garage sale alone did not just bless our family it blessed the families of those who participated and those who with little money cried because they needed inexpensive furnishings for their kids as they were starting life over.  The goodness of God was seen and felt everywhere at every turn.  We truly were a stranger to thousands who prayed for our family, who prayed for Jaimee to survive-we were a stranger and taken in by your hearts and minds wrapping your love around our fragile family. Your strength made us strong:  Your faith buoyed our own:  Your encouragement helped us put one foot in front of the other.  What would this world be like if we didn't have one another?  Our Father in Heaven is such a loving God to give each of us so much purpose and meaning in each others lives.  How grateful we are for the knowledge that we are all brothers and sisters in a much larger plan.  

At Northridge hospital there was a little boy from Palmdale who was next door to Jaimee's room, his name was Matthew.  I never met him but he impacted our lives nevertheless.  His family arrived a couple days before ours.  He drowned in the backyard of his grandparents pool and lay there severely injured.  We came to know the family really well as families do in these situations while minutes and hours go by day in day out all waiting for some kind of hope.  In the process of waiting they found out we were Mormon and asked for a Priesthood blessing for Matthew.  I think it was the third day we were there and still in all our grief and not knowing what would happen to Jaimee we found ourselves praying for Matthew, comforting his family, having opportunity to serve their family with a blessing, it was ironic and wonderful at the same time; strangers brought together under the most difficult of circumstances supporting each other and hoping for the best outcome.  Sadly, Matthew died and yet in all their grief while Jaimee was for the first time showing improvement, they reached out to us with a loving embrace and encouraged us and said they would keep praying for Jaimee-such kindness and unselfishness after having loss little Matty.  Nothing can describe what that was like except that our families will always share that experience.  Thank you Matty for letting us be there for your family and for them being there for us.

What are the lessons in life we are suppose to learn?  I often ponder this question.  What is it that God wants me to learn?  How can I make His purposes manifest in my life?  I am still working on it, hoping for the clarity to come when its needed and that I honor my Heavenly Father in the process by being grateful for the experiences along the way.  I'll let you know how it goes...

Mardee

Also Check Out The Bird's Blog...

Forgot to mention all that happened in June!  My good friends the Bird's and the Jenk's held a fantastically successful garage sale for Jaimee's medical expenses that aren't covered by Kaiser.  Due to the success of that we are already starting to purchase things for Jaimee to keep her comfortable, safe and always re-learning!  Please go to the Bird's blog on the left of the screen to see the pictures. All the amazing donations took up three homes.  People kept coming all day non-stop!  thanks to all our good friends who gave donations to the garage sale and monetary ones to Jaimee.  We love you all!  Thanks to all the workers who worked all night the day before, the boys who camped out guarding the goods and all those who stayed to work on June 13th.  You all did an amazing job.  Special thanks to Michelle for once again doing what other won't-you are a great friend!  Because of you we will be able to get Jaimee some very needed items to help her continue to progress and to help her at every stage in her growth as she gets closer and closer to walking again.  Love you guys!!!!

Mardee and Jeff

I am Mother hear me ROAR!!!!

Ok, so the title of this post is a little self indulgent but hear me out...

Nine weeks ago we came home from the hospital exhausted and fed up with our experience at Kaiser in Hollywood.  I was done.  I had had it with the lack of good care and lack of a coordinated effort to help my daughter.  She was my daughter after all, I could get up with her and feed her in the middle of the night if she needed it, couldn't I?  I could bath her and take care of her, she was and always will be my little baby, right?  Knowing that we would have help from therapists and in home health care, dietitian and speech therapy and the list goes on.  We would be fine!

Low and behold after almost a week at home the phone hadn't rang from all those promised services.  Where was everyone?  As it turned out our discharge paperwork was never sent out of the hospital.  No one knew we even existed.  Shortly thereafter ensued the plethora of therapies, doctor visits, etc. all but the much needed speech therapy and dietitian intervention.  Jaimee had been receiving daily therapy and review of her diet in the hospital.  She did after all pass the swallow test and was sent home on a pured diet.  Well after 8 weeks, it finally took filing a formal complaint with Kaiser to get anyones attention.  That along with the 5 page letter I sent regarding our actual stay at Kaiser (perhaps I'll share that another time).

So we went for the speech therapy evaluation about a week ago and the therapist didn't think she needed her feeding tube any longer (G tube).  So a new swallow test was ordered for mid July.  My nurse and I decided that that just wasn't good enough.  We had been waiting weeks for help.  I alone had been pushing Jaimee to see how much she would let me ween her off the G tube.  Each week she ate a little better, her tastes came back, her jaws got stronger and as of last week I had given her only one feeding in the G tube (She started with 5 a day the amount needed to sustain her daily caloric intake).

It wasn't easy, feeding Jaimee in the beginning was painful-it took literally hours to get through one meal of 250 calories so I had to split up that one meal, half in the morning and half at night, each one alone could take an hour.  Eventually she could eat all of her one meal at one setting within 30-45 minutes so onward I continued to ween her and add back in more food.  Today, I am happy to say she is G-tube Free and 100% on solid foods!!!

She finally got that speech therapy appointment, the swallow test was ordered, after two sips of soy milk, two bites of applesauce and one bite of a cookie all with barium I might add, she was considered 150% NORMAL!  No weakness whatsoever!  TRIUMPHANT was all that came to me over and over again.  I had never felt the full effect of that word more than at that moment.  My adrenaline was pumping, tears began to flow, Jaimee and I rejoiced in our success.  We then walked across the street to see her G.I. doctor and out came the tube in one quick snip with the scissors and we were on our way.  I was so happy to share all of this with my cousin Shelby who was visiting from Utah and also with Madi her daughter, it was a great day!

I started this post the day after this event about ten days ago and I can only say there has been even more improvements.  Jaimee can prop herself up on her forearms and then push up on her hands into a sitting position.  She can't stay up for more than a few seconds on her own but she is making consistent improvements each day.  She can not only hold her cup if she drops it she can now find it and pick it up.  She is now saying "AH" and "M".  She is learning to communicate better by nodding her head for yes and side to side for no-the head control is a bit difficult but I see some improvements there too.  She can raise her hands for "up" and when she is hungry she just makes chomping gestures with her mouth which is adorable.  She is also learning to walk better.  Each day we walk her up and down the hallways from one place to another.  She really loves to walk.  She struggles and it will be some time perhaps a year before she gets the hang of it but she is learning to keep her feet flat right now and gaining strength in her legs.  She can stand on flat feet for about a half a minute with little support.  Sitting up is becoming old hat almost.  She can't quite do it all herself but if you hold her ankles or legs on the bed it's a cinch.  She is learning still to keep her legs down when she tries to sit.  She can sit in Jeff's recliner and just hang out watching a movie.  When you look at her you can't see that there's anything wrong with her at all.

Yesterday Jaimee was given her new wheel chair along with a gift of Becky the Par-Olympian friend of Barbie.  She sits in a wheel chair too.  Jaimee seems to be getting use to her new chair and we couldn't be happier to have her up higher than her car seat on the floor-now she sits at the table with us for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  She has a whole new found freedom and much better posture-her chair is even sparkly blue but we might need to put a little girl power into it with a little pink somewhere.  HUGE thanks to the Rice family for the many weeks of letting us borrow their jogging stroller-you are the best!  We love you guys!

Jaimee has made so many great improvements that as of next week she will be discharged from Kaiser In Home Health Care and sent to out patient therapy.  This means progress for her and more driving for Mom but I'm happy to do it.  I want to thank George, Lori Ann and Tammy for doing such an excellent job with Jaimee.  For using their talent and gifts to reach Jaimee, push her and make her work hard for each and every improvement.  George and Lori Ann have withstood all of Jaimee's flailing arms and legs, felt every slice and dice to the body and other tender areas, took every slap and kick to the face and gut without complaint (not much anyway) and just loved her better.  Thanks again to our friends at Kaiser Home Health-you're the best.  Lori Ann, we will keep praying that the doors will open for you to pursue your education and become the Pediatric PT you were born to be!  Tammy you helped me so much with Jaimee and reassured me in all my nursing efforts with her.  George, there's nothing better than having a friend from church show up at my door to be my daughter's therapist it was a joy to have you around-thanks for passing on your "toy-junk" (wink, wink).

We have some special prayer requests as this month will be a pivotal one in which many decisions will need to be made over the next month.  We will be moving to Simi Valley in August and will need a home to rent.  Our one and only working car broke down today and we are trying to find a used car that will fit our 6 person family, Jaimee's wheel chair and our "stuff".  All of the efforts to get the care Jaimee has received so far will all need to be moved to all new Doctors, Nurses, Therapists, etc. etc. and we are praying for an easy and smooth transition as we move her care to Simi Valley/ Woodland Hills Kaiser.  For Jaimee we are praying that strength continues to come to her arms and hands as she learns to sit up on her own and learns to feed herself again.  Thank you all for taking the time and effort to pray on our behalf. WE FEEL IT!!!  We couldn't have felt so sustained otherwise.  Love and blessings to you all and your families.

Mardee