Aftershock

So I a made the commitment, I'm going to therapy. It wasn't that I knew I didn't need help, it was a matter of a good time, but really, is there ever a "good time"? I guess when you feel like you can't breathe and your emotions are all over the place it's a good time.

So I sit here at my computer writing about this because I feel good when I write. I love to write and always have loved to write. I hope that by somehow sharing what I am going through it helps heal me and settles down some of the chaos floating around in my head. :)

I was talking to my mother the other day and she mentioned that what I was going through is like an aftershock of a large earthquake. Here we had this tremendous, life-altering event nearly 8 months ago and now that the main earthquake or crisis has past the aftershocks of that event are now coming and I think I am safe to say there will be more to come.

The current aftershock I am experiencing feels like I'm hyperventilating, can't breathe, can't predict or imagine the world in all it's rosy colors, just the unknown in Jaimee's situation grips me with fear. In some ways this aftershock hurts more than the event itself because I was so numb for so long. Everything was such a blur and so clear at the same time. All I knew was that I had to keep my head up, I had to keep going, I had to keep it all together. Now that the numbness is wearing off, the pain seems to be surfacing or resurfacing; the unraveling is happening. All may appear rosy but there are those moments. You know those moments when you just simply cannot control the heartache, the fear, the tears, the panic and so much more. And yet, Jaimee is the best part of this entire experience. She is not deterred, but determined. She in not doubtful, but tenacious. She is a shinning light to everyone around her. This experience however, is mine. It is unique to me as Jaimee's recovery is unique to her. These aftershocks are what I have to work out and somehow find the resolve to be as my sweet daughter naturally is, steadfast, joyful and determined to recover.

Today and I am thankful for this experience. Today I see it as an opportunity to be introspective, to dig a little deeper, to define my own character. I look forward to the things I will be learning and hope to continue sharing my personal insights.

Mardee

Exciting news...

The last couple of weeks have been so EXCITING! Jaimee has made so much improvement it blows us away. Since yesterday she has been talking, actually repeating what she hears others say in a conversation not just the words we try to get her to say. It's so unbelievable, I wish I could just harness the enthusiasm we feel over it all-daily improvement-it's incredible! This seemed to happen the first time she was sick in September, I was so worried she would be missing too much therapy but when she isn't using her large motor skills she seems to have a huge vocabulary increase. Whatever way it comes we are so grateful and blessed to watch this happen. Here are some of her new "tricks" as we call it: Jaimee can walk over 100 feet unassisted. She can say Momma, Dadda, Mom, Dad, pee-pee, Baba, 1-10 numbers but four is her favorite as she shows us all the time and also asks us to ask her how old she is where she very enthusiastically says "Four" and holds up her 4 little fingers with her thumb back (the thumb she use to very cutely hold back with her other hand because she couldn't get her thumb to work the way she wanted it to). She can say baby, night-night, phone, no, na, yeah, ya, She can say Nay for Nathan and Beh for Ben and J.D. she says pretty well too. The greatest one is she can say her NAME! She can complete sentences. She can tell you how old she will be on her next birthday (no one said the answer she did it on her own). It's so great to hear her talking, our baby is actually talking and walking after being awake for 7 months! Two Sundays ago we arrived late to church and Jeff, Jaimee and I sat on the couch in the foyer. She stood up on her own and walked down the hallway, we just sat there and watched. We didn't spot her, we didn't coddle her, we just looked at eachother and cried. Her brothers on the other hand were nervous mother hens trying to protect her while we just encouraged them to let her be. She can turn around, walk backwards, she has an infectious laugh, especially when she is trying to be contradictory. Yes, the old Jaimee is still there, always teasing, contradictory, a little she-devil, yep, she's all in there all right! She has been unusually sick a lot since Sept. She has been sick again all week and now Nathan is too! We just can't seem to shake it. Ben and J.D. seem to be hanging in there despite a little sniffle cold for J.D. this past week. Boy News- Ben and Nathan are both doing well at Knolls Elementary. We like their teachers and see steady progress in both of them and they seem to be happy and thriving in their new setting. The latest news is that J.D. finished the testing with the district and qualified for a special ed class with other kids who struggle with learning disabilities and he is doing just great! Not sure what the educational impact for him will be this year but the "Coolest" kid at his school seemed to be quite threatened by J.D.'s good looks and wanted him to know on his first day that he was unquestionably the coolest kid and he "got all the girls" at Santa Susana Elementary! (his friends on the otherhand protested those statements). Ahh, the joys of pre-pubescence! Anyone who knows J.D. knows he couldn't care less about the girls (that he'll admit to anyway). Although his brother Ben gave him some pretty keen advice, he told J.D. to tell that kid that, "He can keep the girls, and you'll keep the Cool!" LOL!

All in all, things seem to be settling a bit, still not unpacked and still always lots to do but we our managing like the rest. We are blessed to have our long time babysitter Janelle with us still watching Jaimee 2-3 days a week to give me a break. We all love her visits. And things seem to finally be turning around at work for Jeff. He's getting new customers and more orders from the regular ones so we are encouraged for a better year in 2010. I'm sure I am missing so many details but hopefully I'll have more to share soon. We most certainly know that the Lord loves us. He has shown it time and time again this year in the many ways he has blessed us. Enjoy the holidays, there truly is so much to be thankful for! We can't tell you how thrilled we are to have our Jaimee. To have been so close to losing her was and is so devasting but to see her get dressed up as a cow girl for Halloween and practically run up on stage for the children's costume parade, I had to hold back the floodgates of tears that she was even THERE, able to stand up, walk up those stairs and walk around the stage only holding on to one finger of mine-it was a living miracle! To see her speaking now, teasing, making us laugh, Jeff and I, our boys, we just can't help but smile and be thankful to have her in our family. I remember leaning over her body giving her CPR and thinking "we can't lose her, her brothers can't lose their sister", she literally lights up our life! The gratitude we reflect on at this time of year, the thankfulness that we feel to still be allowed to have her with us, it just doesn't quite cut it. Happy Thanksgiving, Mardee, Jeff and the kids